Inspirational Articles for Writers
From protecting your health to protecting your available time for writing, sometimes it helps to gain a new perspective.
Have you thought about how workaholism can affect your creativity? Are you nervous about having a book published and then facing the public to promote it? Have you heard that having a book these days is just the beginning of an odyssey that will stretch you further than you ever thought you could grow?
These are some of the fascinating points covered in the writers' articles below. Enjoy the journey!
Page Contents
The Healing Power of Your Writing
Reader Feedback (Boerne, TX)
The Writing Life: “Fearing the Worst”
Etiquette 101: How to Contact a Writing Website
NEW: Etiquette 101 Case Study
Reader Feedback (Bathurst, NSW, Australia)
Is My Writing Worth Ten Dollars an Hour?
Communicating With the Reader
Water: Do Writers Need It?
Have We Forgotten How to Play?
The Author in Public: Gaining Confidence
Walking the Diversification Talk
Rearing the Inner Brat
Fear of Writing: Is it a Gene?
Read more articles at the Fear of Writing Blog
The Healing Power of Your Writing
by Milli Thornton
This article was inspired by conversations with Matt DiLorenzo of Italy
SOMETIMES THE HARDEST thing about writing is believing in ourselves.
I’m acutely aware of this irony in my own life. I know that new writers—or writers who’ve had a recent blow to their confidence—could come to my Website, look around, and think I have it all together. I’ve already overcome all those obstacles and that’s why I can help others, right?
It’s actually 50-50.
Back in 1999, I wrote my book first of all because I needed it for my own recovery from fear of writing. I had no idea if I would ever have an audience when I was done; it was just something that poured out of me.
Thanks to Fear of Writing in its myriad forms, my confidence in what I’m doing has increased greatly over the years. But I’ve also been extremely challenged, confidence-wise, by Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. So I haven’t moved away from being able to understand how incredibly daunting fear can be.
Sometimes, all I know is that I need to keep going. I’ve known all along that I needed to keep Fear of Writing going for the day when I can resume it fully and develop it according to my vision. But it’s very easy to forget this on a bad day. This is when I’m helped by the people who come to me for help. I see their writing wings unfolding before my eyes, and I see the fears they have about their own abilities. In cheering them on, it reminds me not to give up myself.
I know I have something to offer that helps, inspires, sometimes even heals others. But I don’t always remember that. Today, a man from Italy who visited my Website said, “You have amazing testimonials! What you do must really work.” Wow. That gave me a fresh picture that I didn’t have of myself right then. I was deep into struggling with my “stuff” and suddenly someone came along and reminded me that I have the power to heal.
This power to heal is in all of us. And this can take many forms. I’m not talking about some celestial bolt of light pouring down from on high. I’m talking a more worldly kind of healing: human beings healing one another by sharing what they love to do.
Are you good at humorous writing? Hey, that can be a priceless gift. Research is uncovering the incredible healing powers of laughter. In a famous case, Dr. Norman Cousins, author of Anatomy of an Illness, used laughter therapy to obtain relief (and help win himself another sixteen years of life) from a disease that doctors gave him little chance of surviving.
Are you good at explaining technical stuff to “technically challenged” people such as myself? Don’t underestimate the power that has to help others at just the right moment.
Is romance writing your love? Then don’t go telling yourself there are already enough romance novels in this world. You can give a perspective that is uniquely yours—and perhaps even give renewed hope to the lonely heart of someone longing for love.
The act of expressing ourselves, in our own unique fashion, is paramount. We each add something to this world that cannot be given by anyone else.
But if you still can’t see your contribution as special, think of it this way. How many times have you read a book that hit exactly the right spot inside of you at exactly the right moment in your life? And haven’t you felt you wished you could tell that author how incredibly intuitive he or she was?
Do you imagine that every published author you’ve ever read had complete self-belief? Of course not! I read the other day about an author who was devastated by cracking open the author's copy of his latest book and seeing a typo on the first page he looked at. But do you think that the reader who has a transformative experience with his book cares about a random typo? If that author had given up (during one of his many moments of self-doubt) then that book would not be offered to the world, for whatever healing purposes the next person requires.
Yep, sometimes you just need to keep going—even when you believe all that’s pouring out of you is sheer crap.
You have the power to heal with your writing. Even if you write purely escapist fiction, this has the power to heal someone, somewhere.
But if that sounds too exalted for you, go watch a funny movie. And then remember that some poor writer had to write the script . . . even though he probably had frequent moments when he thought he sucked.
Copyright © August 2007 Milli Thornton
Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn't do than by the ones that you did do. So, throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore, dream, discover!
—Mark Twain
WAS THIS ARTICLE HELPFUL? Please email me and let me know how it helped you:
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READER FEEDBACK:
Sandra Miller, Boerne, Texas
Hello Milli!
I so look forward to your newsletter! Your words are bright stars that bring a smile to my face. And remembering our times together here in the Texas Hill Country (Fear of Writing Clinic / Fertile Material Writing Circle) brings another big smile along with warm, fuzzy feelings of how you changed my life.
Your article, The Healing Power of Your Writing, is JUST what I needed! I haven't written in a while, other than a poem or two for someone's birthday. I am ready to resume writing children's stories, but have not had the “inspiration"” to do so. Your encouragement seems to be kick-starting my hands into transforming ideas onto paper!
Milli, it is so great to receive your infinite words of wisdom. Keep it up—I believe my writing monster has broken out of her chains once again!
Sandy Miller
Boerne, Texas
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The Writing Life: Fearing the Worst
by Amy Anderson
I AM A WORRIER. I could do it 24/7. The older I get, the more I worry.
As I am driving, I worry that the cars merging from the next highway entrance will crash right into me because they won’t see me in their ‘blind spot’; so I try to avoid being in the merging lane whenever possible. I worry that my oversized, overfriendly dog has escaped the yard and has some four-year-old pinned to the ground, while his mother has visions of law suits dancing in her head. I worry that I will need surgery and be one of the few who is not really ‘under’ during the procedure. The only clue that I am feeling excruciating pain will be a single tear glistening in my eye, which will go unnoticed by the medical staff. (Is there a way I could get an anesthetic pre-screen before said surgery, just in case?) And of course, like most people, I worry about being imprisoned for a crime I didn’t commit (this anxiety often comes after watching a Lifetime movie).
Recently I have started bringing my ‘writer’ persona into my ‘what if’ scenarios.
Usually, when I’m in a small, older elevator; I worry about plummeting to my death; or, how long it will take to get me out when I’m stuck between floors; or, how I will get along with the other inhabitants if we have to spend hours and hours together. (Who will be the outspoken, bossy one shouting orders? Who will break down in hysterics?) But the last time I was in such an elevator, after the usual imagining of being trapped indefinitely, I wondered, “How will I be able to write some words of inspiration or sanity, to get me through?” If I was lucky, I would have a pen with me and I could just write things on the walls. Maybe I could use lip gloss. Or, I could carve a message by scraping the old paint away with a paperclip.
If I am in prison—you know, unjustly, for the crime I didn’t commit—how will I write about my injustice? Because, I won’t be in a prison where you have access to a library, or even paper and pen. I’ll be in one of those rough concrete chambers, with absolutely nothing given to me but a plate of food shoved through a slot in the door, and a bucket in the corner, for, well . . . you know. . . . In which case I’ll be forced to write my life story in the dirt floor with a stick (which I’ll discover under my cot). I think the concrete walls would be too hard to scratch my memoir on.
If I was shipwrecked/planewrecked on some island, all alone, I will need to write my “voice of her generation” philosophical manifesto somewhere. Here my imagination and ingenuity fail me. I don’t know that much about the environment of an island, as far as what writing materials I can fashion. Possibly I could carve my prose in a fallen tree, or use coconuts or foliage somehow. If I came upon a cave, like Tom Hanks in Castaway, I could use the wall as my canvas and indigenous berry juice as my ink.
However I work it out, the product of all of these predicaments—following rescue, pardon, or death—will be a heart-breaking yet inspirational piece of writing that will be discovered somehow, and lauded. It will be that much more interesting and marketable because of hardship endured, guaranteeing me an audience if only because of the “triumph of the human spirit” angle.
So, I guess I am not just anybody fearing the worst . . . I am a ‘writer’ fearing the worst!
Amy Anderson Copyright © April 2008
While a student of the Fear of Writing Online Course. Amy Anderson wrote this article for a section of the Fear of Writing Gazette known as “The Writing Life.”
Amy was born in St. Louis, Missouri and has lived in Rhode Island since age 12. She is happily married and has two kids and two dogs (a boy and girl for each). As a speech language pathologist, she works with people ranging in age from 3 to 93. This career path helps to exercise her interest in all things "language" and her love of helping others.
READ MORE ABOUT AMY and her new career at Fear of Writing
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Etiquette 101: How to Contact a Writing Website
by Milli Thornton
Author’s Note: To avoid the awkward juggling of male and female (such as using “his/her”), I’ve stuck to one sex for consistency. But, this advice applies equally to men and women.
DO YOU CARE about the impression you make when you contact a writing Website? If you do, then you’ll appreciate getting some inside tips. On the other hand, if you haven’t thought about “making an impression,” you may be shocked to hear that it takes more than just good writing to make it as a writer. The good news is that a little commonsense (and common courtesy) goes a long way in the eyes of an editor.
INSIGHT #1: WRITING WEBSITE EDITORS ARE REAL PEOPLE
Writing Websites are not anonymous machines that crank out Web pages with no human intervention. Yet I never cease to be amazed at the people who email me as if I’m a mysterious computer chip with no human traits.
Take the time to put yourself into the editor’s shoes. Writing Website editors are busy people who usually don’t have any staff to help them. We answer all inquiries ourselves, as well as attend to the trillions of other things you have to do to run a writing Website.
Also, there are literally thousands of writers out there. Believing that the sheer brilliance of your prose is going to electrify an editor already flooded with manuscripts is rarely going to get you what you want. You need to approach that editor according to his or her needs—and then submit your material in the proper fashion—before it will be read or considered.
Even if you’re just making a simple inquiry, etiquette is still all-important.
The bonus? Learning to put yourself into someone else’s shoes is good training for creating fictional characters. It’s even a must when writing non-fiction. If you can’t put yourself into the shoes of your intended reader, you might miss a great opportunity to deliver what the reader really wants or needs.
Since editors need to please their readers (or risk losing valuable Web traffic or e-zine subscribers), you can begin to see that writing is not just about how talented you are. You need people skills too. Fortunately, there are some simple skills you can learn right here and now that will increase your chances of winning the respect of that writing Website editor.
INSIGHT #2: AN EDITOR’S NAME IS MUSIC TO HER EARS
This is true of all people, not just editors. We all want to be addressed by our names and have our names spelled correctly. This is the oldest, most basic way of acknowledging another person, but it has never lost its magic.
Take the time to go to the Contact Us page at the writing Website you intend to contact and find out the name of the editor or Website owner (often they’re one and the same). Then use the standard opening of any old-fashioned letter: Dear Jane. Or Hi Jane. Or Hello Jane. But please use that name.
Strangers who email me with an abrupt question without addressing me (and often without signing their own name!) may not realize it, but they have my defenses up immediately . . . whereas, the writer who takes the time to find out who I am and spell my name correctly is already miles ahead when it comes to putting me in the right frame of mind to receive her message: “Dear Milli.” Two simple words, but they make such a difference.
Another tip about looking up editors’ names: When visiting the Contact Us page, if you find out that a particular Website does indeed have staff and you have a choice of who to contact, please make the appropriate choice. For instance, don’t send your article about how to write snappy dialogue to the short story contest editor.
Which leads me to another critical point.
INSIGHT #3: SUBMISSION GUIDELINES AND TARGETING YOUR EDITOR
This is a crucial step when submitting to any kind of publisher—on or off the Internet—and there’s nothing new or earth-shaking about it. Yet it’s one of the most common mistakes writers make.
If you play the violin in an orchestra but a salesman rushes up to you right after seeing you perform and tries to sell you an electric guitar, would you feel that he had missed the point? Of course. And yet, many writers send their unsolicited (which means unasked for) e-book, short story or article to completely inappropriate Websites. For instance, if I was running a Website called “The Happy Writer” that was 100% devoted to publishing short stories, and yet writers kept submitting poetry—or perhaps articles about positive thinking—I know I would be using the delete key more than is humanly necessary.
Most writing Websites (this one included) have a page or a section devoted to submission guidelines. What are submission guidelines? Please don’t go another day as a writer without learning this biggy. Submission guidelines specify what type of writing the editor wants, how long it should be, and how she wants you to submit it.
Let’s make up some short guidelines for a pretend Website:
Writingparadise.com accepts articles about the craft of writing or the business side of writing. 750 words or less. We do not accept fiction. Query first. Do not send attachments without the editor’s consent.
“Query first” means write the editor a proper query letter asking if she is interested in your idea. If you don’t know how to write a query letter, do a search on the Web for articles or books to teach you how. Query letters are an integral part of the writing industry.
You can also save time—both yours and the editor's—by checking current articles at your targeted site (plus the articles archive, if any) to find out whether an article just like yours has already been published.
However, reading the submission guidelines is usually just the start. It’s a great idea to browse the Website thoroughly and experience firsthand what type of writing is published there. Editors can tell when you’ve done your homework—it doesn’t even need to be stated in your email. If you’ve done your prep work, your entire approach will be permeated with the right spirit.
Which leads to another often overlooked skill.
INSIGHT #4: PUT SOME PERSONALITY INTO IT! (Part I)
Every writing Website editor has experienced the impersonal mass submission. This is usually done by writers who have—unwisely—wasted money purchasing a mailing list. For instance, I received an e-book, by attachment (and without permission to send me an attachment), from a writer who said she’d been selling copies but now wanted to offer it free. She did not address me by name and her e-book did not fit the kind of writing I publish.
Although I didn’t see other editors’ email addresses on the Cc: line, this submission let me know that the author had probably purchased a mailing list and then had sent her e-book to everyone on the list by using the Bcc: line. Bcc: means “blind carbon copy” and it does hide the other email addresses, but no editor is fooled by that.
Take the time to target your submissions to the correct Website(s) and then learn the editor’s name and how she wants to be approached. The finishing touch? Make sure your Subject line is informative and specific. No editor will be impressed if you leave it blank or use “Hi.”
Knowing this will hopefully motivate you to dream up informative and specific Subject lines for all your emails . . . guaranteed to inject new energy into the daily email routine.
INSIGHT #5: PUT SOME PERSONALITY INTO IT! (Part II)
Believe it or not, most owners of writing Websites care whether you have a personality and know how to express it. There are many situations where writing a personable query will get you much further than writing an abrupt one-liner or an overly formal, impersonal query.
Here’s a great example from a true situation.
I run an online creative writing course. Because we had some students who were not committed and did not finish the course, we now ask students to apply for a place in the course and convince us they’ll do more than one lesson before dropping out. We want them to finish the course, get their money’s worth, and get the creative benefits.
Below is the first step in enrollment plus three sample responses to our request. If you were a writing Website owner who had to decide which applicant got the spot, which one would you pick?
Fear of Writing Online Course
Enrollments are by private arrangement. Only those students who are prepared to commit to finishing the course will be accepted. To enroll, please email the course owner, Milli Thornton.
Applicant #1
Subject: RE
I would like the frist writing course you all have to offerEditor’s Note: Incorrect spelling and lack of punctuation as shown.
Applicant #2Subject: (none)
I am not sure how much this costs, but if I can afford it i want to sign up. I didn't find the price anywhere on your website.
DebbieEditor’s Note: This applicant did not specify what it is she wants to sign up for—don’t assume the Website owner can read your mind! Capitalization error as shown.
Applicant #3
Subject: Course Enrollment
Dear Milli,
Help! I’m an editor and a technical writer and have managed to frighten my inner writer into the depths of a deep, dark, musty coat closet, where she survives on the occasional crust of bread and sip of water. There are characters in my head—I fall asleep thinking about them every night lately—and I have an idea for a world that I’m really enthusiastic about, but all of it is flat as a pancake when I try to write about it. I’m so frustrated!
May I please take your class?
Thanks!
Beth Brooks
Editor’s Note: You guessed it! Beth was our choice. She hit the bulls-eye on every count, including expressing her personality in a memorable way. And how hard does it really look? Anyone can learn to do this.
INSIGHT #6: A WORD ABOUT SPELLING AND PUNCTUATION
Not everyone had the benefit of a great spelling teacher in grade school and some writers are genuinely dyslexic. On the other hand, if you habitually throw together an email in 30 seconds flat and send it without looking it over, you’re missing a great way to develop yourself as a writer. While it may be OK to send a close friend an email that’s been dashed off, it definitely won’t win you any awards with the editors of writing Websites.
In the above illustrations, Debbie and Nameless wrote very short messages. How long would it take to go back and correct the spelling and punctuation mistakes before hitting the Send button? About 25 seconds for Debbie and Nameless—or a minute or two if the email is longer like Beth’s. Time well spent, wouldn’t you agree?
You may argue that Debbie and Nameless are the very people who need my course. But I don’t teach spelling or how to write an email inquiry. I teach creative writing. It's not worth the enrollment paperwork unless the writer wants it bad enough to try her best. The same could be said about any kind of submission at a writing Website. Or, for that matter, a book you've finished and want to show to mainstream publishers.
Please, take care of your budding writing career by paying attention to the little courtesies that win friends and influence people. Believe me, editors do notice.
Copyright © 2005 Milli Thornton
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ETIQUETTE 101: CASE STUDY
The Irony of the Non-Writer vs. the Writer
by Milli Thornton
NOVEMBER 2007—Recently I received two email inquiries, almost back to back, both of which stood out in my mind as real-life illustrations of the lessons from the article above, Etiquette 101: How to Contact a Writing Website.
Bizarre as it may sound, the inquiry below from the non-writer (who was just being himself and had no ambitions beyond applying for a discount) put the job application from the published writer so far into the shade, I was compelled to create a case study based on this rather shocking comparison.
I hope this example will burn brightly enough in your mind to assist you in your future attempts to capture the attention of editors and others who may help you achieve your writing dreams.INQUIRY #1
Subject: Fear of Writing Charm Necklace and Bracelet“Hello, I had the opportunity to read a bit of your book on a recent layover while flying from from my home in Neptune Beach, Fl. to where I am currently working in Bahrain. I myself am not a writer, but I am married to one. My wife of twenty four years decided a few years back that she wanted to give a try at being a free lance writer. Up to that point, she had spent most of her adult life as a full time Mother, quite a job in itself. This wasn't made any easier by the fact that I was in the Navy for twenty of those twenty four years. Her job as a Mom was much more complicated with me being gone much of the time. While her news of wanting to be a writer was quite surprising, I was all for it. I, like many others at the time, had no clue how hard it was to be a writer even more so a published writer. After seeing how hard she worked at becoming a good writer and getting published, I realized that my job was pretty easy. She took a leap at a dream that I wouldn’t have attempted in a few lifetimes. She has been published a number of times, but free lance writing never gets easier. Your book was very interesting as it was honest and upfront. It has the added benefit of being humorous also. I ordered the book from Amazon earlier today and will give it to her when I go home for a vacation in December. I have been looking for an appropriate “writers” theme necklace and bracelet for a number of years. When I stumbled across the beautiful designs on your site, I knew immediately that I had to get them both for my writer wife. I am buying her the charm necklace and bracelet and was wondering if I could obtain the private discount code. Thank you for your time and consideration, Gary Nelson”
I'm not suggesting this email is letter-perfect. However, for a non-writer who was not trying to impress an editor or land a writing assignment, there is much to commend:
(a) His email is both heartfelt and interesting. He really put his personality into it!
(b) It is specific and informative. Mr. Nelson faithfully followed the directives on the Greti Design page of my Website:How to Obtain the Private Discount Code Send a personally worded email to the site owner, Milli Thornton, to request your code for discount from Greti Design. Be sure to mention something that you enjoy about Fear of Writing, as this is a genuine discount only for Fear of Writing participants.
(c) His email arrived wearing a beautiful Subject line. Having seen so many vague, uncapitalized (or altogether missing!) Subject lines from writers, I was nearly in raptures as I knew exactly what the email was going to be about. When a Website owner has tons of email to process, you can bet that a specific and informative Subject line will get top priority.
Gary Nelson was applying for a hefty discount (40-45%) on our designer jewelry for writers; something we do not award to just anyone who comes along and asks for it. Not only did Gary have to jump through my hoops, but Greti Design also wanted to verify that this was a genuine application.
After seeing his email, Greti Design said: “He's great at articulating what he wants to say!”Now contrast this personable, discount-winning letter with the inquiry below from a published writer.
INQUIRY #2
Subject: tutoring enquiry
“Dear Dee Nielsen,
I am a published novelist and creative writing teacher. I would like to be considered as an online tutor at Fear of Writing. I enclose my CV.
I look forward to hearing from you.
Yours sincerely,
(Name Removed)”Yikes. He's clearly out doing the rounds of the writing Websites, looking for a teaching job. If only someone could gently mirror to him the impression he's actually making with such a blanket application.
Despite the impressive résumé that was attached to the email, here are the details of where he sold himself short:(a) Rather than going to the Contact Us page to find out who the site owner is, he sent his application to my Online Course Presenter (who then had to forward it on to me for a decision). It only takes an extra 30 seconds to click on Contact Us and identify the appropriate person to approach with your inquiry.
(b) He sent an attachment without first seeking permission. I'm amazed that a writer whose résumé showed four published novels would send an attachment without first checking with the recipient. Attachments from unknown sources may contain viruses, and this is why 'No Attachments' is specified in most submission guidelines.
(c) His letter was overly formal and impersonal. It displayed an obvious lack of interest in our online course. It was clear that he had not read our course information, except to scan it long enough to grab my Course Presenter's email address.
(d) There was no position advertised for Course Presenter. Despite that, I will almost always consider working, in some form or other, with an exceptional person. This application was a wasted opportunity when it could have forged a lasting rapport.(e) The Subject line was all lower case: an unprofessional touch when approaching an editor for a writing assignment or, especially, a position teaching other writers how to write. (Check Gary Nelson's Subject line above, marked in yellow highlighter, for how it should be done.)
I entrust my online students to only the most caring of course presenters. This letter contained no hint that the applicant took even a passing interest in the Fear of Writing philosophy, which is at the heart of everything we do here.
To put it another way: You can spend an afternoon bombarding thirty-five Websites with an impersonal approach and be repaid in kind. Or, you can spend 30 minutes apiece researching four or five writing Websites (to determine what kind of material they're seeking and how they like to be approached) and make a positive impression.
As Gary Nelson has demonstrated, it's not hard. It just takes a little extra elbow grease.
So, what is Gary's secret? How was he able to win through and achieve his goal (the discount) using his “non-writer” writing skills when the published writer bombed out? Here's what Gary told me when I wrote asking permission to publish his letter:
“I owe my writing abilities to my Mother. She didn’t accept a lazy or lackadaisical approach to writing or any other form of communication. She wouldn’t find my use of capitalizing the 'M' in mother acceptable, but in her case it is appropriate.”
When I followed up with Gary to give him the link to this article, I remarked that he had done a good deed as this article has the potential to save writers from future query blunders and point the way to success. Gary wrote back, saying:
“From Jennifer's work I have learned that the approach one uses when contacting editors is more important than what the writer is trying to get published. If the opening query doesn't get the right attention, the query will be lucky to see the light of day.”
Gary shared with me that his wife, Jennifer Nelson, has been published in Fitness, Shape, Women's Day, Ladies Home Journal, O Magazine, Women's Health, Cosmo, Oxygen, Cooking Light, Better Homes and Gardens and others. Her work has also appeared in The Washington Post, Chicago Tribune and Christian Science Monitor. She started off her career working for a number of different e-zines, including: WebMD, ePregnancy, OnHealth, KidsHealth, ivillage, and Discovery.
Enough said.
Copyright © 2007 Milli Thornton
RECOMMENDED RESOURCE:
What's the Rule? - A Simple Guide to Perfect Punctuation, Great Grammar, and Superb Sentences and Style by Kathy Sole
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READER FEEDBACK:
Al McCartan, Bathurst, New South Wales, Australia
Photo: Al, sitting behind the mic in his role as morning DJ at 2MCE-FM in Bathurst
G'day Milli,
Good morning from a very chilly and wet, Central West.
What a great series of articles. Yes, they certainly did help. I was particularly impressed with Etiquette 101. It is so easy to forget and fall into the mass production trap. Lord willing, I never have as yet. My late editor taught me different.
As in radio, where we were trained to talk to a person—imaginary or real, to give the impression of one-on-one—so should it be with writing. I'm impressed by the person who writes Dear Al, even though I know the letter is mass-produced.
I hear so much negativity from writers bemoaning that they didn't get a fair go from the publisher they submitted the work to. I now begin to wonder: did they follow the unwritten but necessary rules - i.e. no salutation or greeting to the Ed; square peg-round hole, e.g. poetry to a prose publication, etc.
Now that my brain is in top gear, I'd like to suggest that maybe, in a future Gazette, an author's check list be made, as a template for writers to follow before submitting the work. There may be cries of “But, this is too time consuming. I'm too busy.”
“Hang on,” the sensible writer might say. “This is my business. All of this is part of my role as a writer.”
I bet the editor would 'love' the person who took the time and effort to follow the few simple rules of etiquette. Even though the work may not fulfill the immediate need, the writer has notched up brownie points.
Thanks again, Milli, for all you've done to get writers out of the fear closet. I've taken the liberty of telling my writing friends about Fear of Writing. I hope they follow through.
Avagoodweegend.
Al
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Is My Writing Worth Ten Dollars an Hour?
by Milli Thornton
MARC CALDERWOOD, in his article about writers finding “writeouts” where they can escape from “outlaw time wasters” ["Back at the Writeout!" Southwest Sage, April 2002] said: “Of all the reasons I hear why people aren’t writing, the most common is, ‘I just can't find the time.’ Is it possible we ‘can’t’ find the time because we end up mopping the floor or doing another load of laundry or making one more peanut butter sandwich?”
Marc is right. These endless small responsibilities can rob us of the bigger things in life. But where do we find the energy for the bold strokes needed to implement real change in those patterns that rob us of our vitality? Sometimes it can be as simple as changing our perceptions about a solution we would normally reject.
Here’s how to finance more time to spend in your favorite writeout, or to stage your own private writing retreat at your desk at home. Make a date to fob off your housework or yard work onto someone who really wants to do it for you.
Does such a fantastical person exist? Of course! The paid housekeeper.
Before you stop reading, humor me for a few more paragraphs. There may be a mind shift about to happen, based on the dollar value of your right to write.
When I tell my friends or family that I hire a housekeeper to free up time for my writing career, they reply, “Maybe someday I can afford to do that too.” Their pious attitude implying that I must be either rich or frivolous with my money. The same people will happily spend disposable income on new cars, computer games, books, videos, ski passes, the shopping channel, or a $30 a week latté habit. But the moment I mention the word “housekeeper” they act as if only people from old TV shows like Dynasty can afford such a creature.
Perhaps it’s the work ethic. People don’t want to feel lazy in their own homes. Or maybe it’s a pride issue. My friend Toni—a mother of three who works full-time as a nurse—scrubs the toilet with bleach and washes the windows at midnight the day before her housekeeper is due. Whatever the reason, people seem so loathe to let go of control in this area that they aren’t even curious about what it might really cost to periodically free themselves from household chores.
Naturally, if you hire a maid service that dispatches a team of Dynasty maids dressed in frilly aprons and pink uniforms, you will pay a high-end price. But if you check any bulletin board in town you’ll soon run across an ad posted by a freelancer who charges in the vicinity of ten dollars an hour.
Now tape this notice on your bathroom mirror so you can ponder it for a couple of days: IS MY WRITING WORTH $10 AN HOUR?
If you decide to go ahead and put such a value on your right to write, next sit down and talk “units” with yourself. How many units [hours] can you afford this month? Four? Two? Six? Now call the housekeeper from the bulletin board for an interview. Ask for references from other satisfied families. If you don’t like what you hear, try another bulletin board. Shop around, because this person will be entrusted with your precious home.
When you take the plunge and book a date with your power units of writing time, make sure you plan that time slot to be of the utmost functionality to you. Make a clearly explained list of tasks for the housekeeper or yard worker so he or she won’t need to disturb you with endless questions.
Clear the decks of all other commitments [including email!] so you can use that time to W-R-I-T-E. If you feel guilty that you’re sitting on your duff while someone else is vacuuming your carpet, close the door to your writing area. Change does not always equal peace of mind—but the stimulation of being a little uncomfortable for a while helps us break out of other ruts too.
If you still feel guilty even with the door closed, remind yourself: “I’m providing employment for someone who needs it.”
Now make the most of your writing retreat! When you resurface [with ten or fifteen new pages] to a basket full of freshly folded laundry and clean floors, you’ll grin at the way a simple change in perceptions can change your life.
A Writer’s Checklist for Household Help
1. Consider this a business expense, as you would for workshop fees or investing in books on the craft of writing. Check with your accountant about what percentage can be charged to Office Cleaning for a tax write-off.
2. Explain to your housekeeper exactly why you need his or her help. The housekeeper is used to employers who never make her privy to such information so she may think you’re a little eccentric. But she’ll respect your private writing time—and you’ll feel much, much better about sitting at your desk while he/she’s doing your housework.
3. Don’t be afraid to make a nit-picking list for your housekeeper or yard-worker. Get the job done right the first time (after all, you’re paying for this help) so you won’t have to redo any of it after your helper goes home.
4. Spend a few minutes chatting with your housekeeper, and offer her a coffee break with some special cookies. Not only is it heart-warming to show your respect this way, but gradually your housekeeper will become part of the family. This eliminates the feeling of having a stranger in the house and builds trust. My housekeeper back in New Mexico was also my pet-sitter when we went on trips, and we knew we could trust her with the key to the house.
5. Don’t confide your brilliant new system to family or friends until you’ve implemented your first “units” and you know it works for you. Their human-nature-is-resistant-to-change reactions may discourage you or make you feel “self-indulgent.”
Copyright © 2002 Milli Thornton. Reprinted with permission from SouthWest Sage, newsletter for SouthWest Writers
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Communicating With the Reader
by Ken Goldberg
IF A TREE FALLS in the forest but no one is there, does it make a sound?
If a book is written but no one reads it, does it really exist?
I was not a writer when I started Peter Squared at 48 years of age in 1995. On a whim, I began jotting down words to form the tale of Peter Branstill—an odd, compulsively clean, sexually obsessed man. Eighty thousand words later, with my wife’s loving and biased support, I sent it out. Soon, the rejections started coming in.
There were poorly photocopied form letters, along with personally addressed and tastefully disguised form letters. There were replies bemoaning the influence market factors have on today’s publishing decisions, and there were letters of high praise followed by offers to sell me editorial and self-publishing services. Finally, there were crass, denigrating, downright hostile rejections, invariably marked in red.
Advancing through four stages of loss, I first felt discouraged: “I’ll never be published . . . what’s the use . . . I suck” [high English taught by my teenage children]. Then came anger: “That agent’s a jerk.” Negotiation was next: “They missed the point. I’ll send another letter to explain how good my book really is.” Finally came resolution, as I went back to the red-marked rejections to learn what I could. Over the next three years, I revised my manuscript four times.
At each step, I sought readers. Some were friends, whose comments had to be carefully sifted to get past their obligatory words of support. Agent and publisher rejections were helpful, too, particularly as they started to sound more encouraging and became more specific.
Finally, I hired two freelance editors [one for the first revision, the other for the next three] who made extensive page by page comments. I learned a simple lesson. Only I could write Peter Squared, only others could read it. My readers often suggested specific revisions. Invariably, their suggestions were wrong even though the need to revise was right.
I felt the story on such a deeply visceral level that no one but I could ever know what Peter [and the other characters] actually thought, felt, or did at any particular time. Yet, I never knew for sure how the reader would react to the words I chose. But I assumed that if the reader had to stop to make a suggestion, I hadn’t reached my goal.
The novel has altered indelibly my view of the world. Trained in science, I’ve found more truth in fiction than fact. Science may study the world as object, but fiction seeks the truths that are within. Yet, if I don’t respect how others react to my words, these truths will never be known.
If a book is written but no one reads it, does it really exist?
Copyright © 2001 Ken Goldberg. Excerpted from Fear of Writing Gazette, Vol. 1, Issue 2, October 2001
Ken Goldberg, author of Peter Squared, is a clinical psychologist and mathematician. He practices psychology in Haddonfield, NJ, just outside of Philadelphia, PA, where he lives with his wife and three children. Ken enjoys tennis, chess, and coaching children's baseball. Peter Squared is his first novel.
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Water: Do Writers Need It?
by Milli Thornton
YOU’RE 2,500 WORDS into a new story when you hit a slump. Time for coffee. Ahh . . . just what you needed. Now you feel more alert, positively surging with creative power.
Meanwhile, you’ve silently lost calcium equivalent to one cup of milk. Your body is busy secreting the stress hormone, cortisol, and has jacked up its release of insulin. Your blood sugar rockets! Your story’s going gangbusters! Oops, your blood sugar takes a nosedive into the carpet.
What happened? Doesn’t everyone use coffee to get their stories written? Well, no, some people use peppermint candy, cookies, soda, a handful of peanuts. Even the writers nibbling on carrot sticks may be overlooking a vital truth. Our bodies need water. The old “eight glasses a day” maxim still applies.
So what has this REALLY got to do with writing?
Michelle Paige of the Sutter Medical Foundation says, “A mere 2% drop in body water can trigger fuzzy short term memory and difficulty focusing on the computer screen or the printed page.”
Dehydration should be in the news, not only as a detriment to writers but as a national disaster.
“Lack of water is the Number One trigger of daytime fatigue,” says Paige. “And 75% of Americans are chronically dehydrated. In 37% of Americans, the thirst mechanism is so weak it is often mistaken for hunger.”
Hunger? You mean when you’re reaching for a snack or that third cup of coffee, you’re really just thirsty instead? Try it and see. All you need for this creative experiment is a glass of water.
In his pioneering book, Your Body’s Many Cries for Water, Dr. F. Batmanghelidj says, “ . . . the hero is water. Water is the primary substance in the routine events that take place in the human body. The simple truth is that dehydration can cause disease.”
We can’t be good writers if we’re constantly going to the doctor for our latest illness or chronic complaint. Even if the worst we notice is a fuzzy brain, wouldn’t it be more efficient to just drink a glass of water and hydrate our brain cells for another hour of writing?
Trouble is, we get distracted by plot and theme, and then we don’t remember to drink our third glass of water until 4 p.m. How on earth are we going to get our eight glasses in by dinner time? We can’t be good writers if we lose sleep because we’re up all night peeing after drinking five glasses of water between dinner and bedtime. After a couple of days wrestling with sticky notes to remind us to DRINK MORE WATER, most of us go back to the Dark Ages of chronic dehydration.
I spent 40 years walking around dehydrated. From one day to the next, a glass of water never passed my lips. Occasionally I’d get a raging thirst, drink one glass of water, and then go back to my beloved coffee.
In the summer of 2000, I saw the book Your Body’s Many Cries for Water on a friend’s coffee table. The title “cried out” to me the way my body had been doing all those years while I misinterpreted the messages. I had to have that book! What I read was bizarre and shocking. Surely I could learn to drink some water if it was going to make this much difference in my life.
For about a year I was a water maniac. I believe I changed my metabolism by becoming a water drinker. After decades of suffering horribly in cold weather, I can now stay warm like a regular person. But although I continued to gloat at this improvement in my body temperature, gradually my devotion to the 8-10 glasses a
day routine slipped.
Finally, a problem with too much calcium in our tap water led me The Water Store in Taos. I purchased a ceramic crock and three-gallon jugs to lug purified water home in my car. The sales clerk was using a half-gallon transparent blue jug just like the big ones to make sure she drank her eight glasses of water a day.
“It’s like an hourglass,” Judith said. “If I look at my jug at noon and the water level is too high, I get chugging.”
Since then I don’t go anywhere without my own half gallon jug. I keep it beside my desk and the “hourglass” motivates me to finish my water ration before dinner. Not only do I beat the Fuzzy Brain Syndrome while I write, I’m beating the statistics too. The Sutter Foundation says that drinking five glasses of water daily decreases our risk of colon cancer by 45%, slashes the risk of bladder cancer by 50% and breast cancer by 79%.
Let’s not just be prolific or talented writers—let’s be healthy writers. Viva la H20.
Copyright © 2002 Milli Thornton. Reprinted with permission from SouthWest Sage, newsletter for SouthWest Writers
Water: The Ultimate Cure by Steve Meyerowitz (Read Milli's Review)
“This book will inspire you so much, you'll be excited about drinking water! Since reading it, I've begun drinking my water out of a fancy wine goblet to give it the status it deserves in my life.” —Milli Thornton
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Have We Forgotten How to Play?
by Milli Thornton
PLEASE RAISE YOUR hand if you believe in vacations.
People who do not believe in vacations would undoubtedly become very unpopular if they walked around campaigning against it. But, we’re a nation of worker bees in a giant beehive. Do we really believe we deserve time off for play?
Australians have an interesting attitude to the work ethic. They don’t let it run their lives. Australians automatically get four weeks vacation every year, no matter what kind of job they have.
This extra play-time has not sent the country into financial ruin. In my experience, Australians get paid better than Americans do. Any politician in the Land Downunder who tried to introduce a minimum wage of only six dollars an hour would be considered a slave driver and would face dire legal consequences.
Three years ago, while living in Melbourne, I landed a job as a receptionist earning $12.87 an hour—even though I was under-skilled because I’d been absent from the work force for ten years raising my daughter. $12.87 was the minimum wage for that kind of office job in Australia three years ago. By now that job would pay much more, because all workers get regular “cost of living” wage hikes. Soon I was earning $17 an hour in the same job, with benefits and short work hours.
My receptionist job came with the standard four weeks vacation, which everybody down there takes for granted. In Australia, workers accrue a week’s vacation every three months and can take it any time after it has accrued, either all in one block or staggered throughout the year. In Taos I was earning $7 an hour as a receptionist [and declined an office manager position at $7 an hour]. . . and had to wait all year to get a two-week vacation.
Do we really believe that two weeks is enough time for people to rejuvenate for another year of work?
And what about the lunch hour? Italians must think we’re a nation of barbarians. An Italian businessperson gets to the office around 10 am. At one o’clock, that businessperson says “Ciao” to his desk and goes out for a five-course lunch and coffee with friends. Then he goes home to have a siesta and sleep off the spaghetti and the tiramisu. At four o’clock he gets back to the office and works until seven.
What do we Americans do with our measly one-hour lunch? I work at home and I’m my own boss so I can take three hours for lunch any day I want to. But I’ll tell you what I do instead. I sit at my desk and eat toast with my left hand so my right hand is still free to use the mouse!
What did you do with your lunch hour today? Did you pick up something from a drive-through window? Did you eat a Wendy’s burger while you ran the errands and coped with the lunch-time traffic? Did you take a siesta and then wake up just as your tires were hitting the curb?
Back when I was a kid I had never heard the word “workaholic.” Either I was too young to know such a big word, or the concept didn’t exist back in the 1960s. But now that I’m a grown-up, I can look back and see that my dad was definitely a workaholic.
My dad was a dentist with eight kids. It was very important to my dad to take us on a great vacation every year. My dad even went into debt to do this. He had one of those wallets that you see in the movies with plastic pouches that unfold all the way to the ground. When he flipped open his wallet, his credit cards and charge cards would cascade to the floor.
So my dad had to work twice as hard to make sure we could have a great vacation. During my childhood we lived in Montana, and every summer we went to the lake. My dad would sit in the sand with his stock market charts spread out around him and get sunburnt while he tried to figure out how to make more money. Those Wall Street charts were his hobby.
Sometimes I think we have a lot to learn from kids. I’ve never seen any kid in his right mind study charts as a hobby. Kids can make a game out of a blanket and two chairs.
But we adults are too sophisticated for that kind of monkey business. If we’re going to play, let’s make it about achievement. We can get out on that golf course and improve our handicap. Or we can surf the Internet to look for a better job so we can make more money. But how many of us would go to our next job interview and demand four weeks vacation every year?
I have a friend, Nancy, whose hobby is gardening. Gardening is a relaxing pastime, Nancy tells me. But she has to hurry up and get her vegetables in the ground before the planting season’s over. Her family and friends are expecting fresh veggies again in August. She can’t let them down. She gives away wheelbarrow-loads of homegrown veggies every year.
Nancy also has to hurry up and put in seventeen beds of flowers. Why seventeen, I ask her? Because she has seventeen beds of flowers every year. There’s no way she can let her standards slip. She’s out in the garden at midnight with a flashlight to make sure those pesky caterpillars don’t eat her tomatoes.
Her hobby is so much fun, she tells me. Those big black rings under her eyes are not about her hobby. She was just born with them. She inherited those black rings from her mother. Her mother wins blue ribbons at the County Fair for her perfect roses . . . and her canned peaches . . . oh, and her quilts.
When I mentioned to Nancy that Workaholics Anonymous has its own Website, she gave me a dirty look. Workaholics don’t do anything fun like gardening, she said. They stay in their office for twelve hours every day and they always take work home on the weekend.
But maybe workaholism is sneakier than we realize. Today during your lunch break, sit under a shady tree and make a list of what you do for play-time. Make sure these play activities don’t involve achievement or getting a better score. If you end up with less than three items on your list, maybe you should play hooky for a day. Stop and smell the roses before it’s too late. Do some cartwheels or lie in the grass and watch the clouds change from one animal to another.
John Cleese, the famous British comedian, once said: “If you want creative workers, give them enough time to play.”
If we wait for our bosses to give us time to play, we might die of workaholism first. Let’s make the effort to give ourselves some quality goofing off time—because we all know by now that if you want something done, you have to do it yourself!
Copyright © 2001 Milli Thornton. This was a speech Milli delivered at
Toastmasters in May 2001 as a member of the Oh, Piñon Club in Santa Fe.
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The Author in Public: Gaining Confidence
by Milli Thornton
GONE ARE THE DAYS when authors can live romantic, hard-drinking lives, knowing their publisher will take care of those grubbier details such as promotion. The marketplace these days is so competitive and dollar-driven that authors have had to learn new skills to support their own book sales—including how to make a splash in the marketplace. Or, as Doug Clegg and M.J. Rose say, how to “buzz your book.”
But not all writers are born with the confidence to jump up and start promoting. Myself, I was truly horrified at the prospect of becoming a public figure (we’re talking stage fright to the nth degree). So how did I go from shy and retiring homebody to workshop presenter and one-woman promo machine? It’s called Toastmasters, and there’s a chapter near you.
In my case, I “knew” that what my book, Fear of Writing, needed to get it moving was a core of people actively doing the Fertile Material writing exercises. What better way to make that happen than to become a workshop presenter? But knowing something daunting that you need to do and actually doing it are two different things.
Eventually, almost a year after my book was released, I tricked myself into doing something about it. On the Internet I looked up Toastmasters and found that the chapters nearest to my hometown were in Santa Fe. I chose the Oh, Piñon Club, which meets every Wednesday before lunch.
I went to my first meeting as an observer. That way I wouldn’t have to make a commitment and I wouldn’t have to let out a peep. But I tricked myself at the last minute and made myself stand up for the Table Topics—surprise subjects thrown at you by the Topic Master that you’re required to ad lib on for two minutes. What could be more terrifying? Yet I walked away with the blue ribbon that day.
The friendly people at Toastmasters don’t expect you to be a polished speaker as soon as you get there. When you feel that loving support permeate the room, it gives you permission to take the risks needed to get you up on your feet. The other members recognize and respect someone who is “having a go” despite nervousness. This kind of unconditional love was just what I needed to come out of my shell.
The Toastmaster’s manual, Communication and Leadership Program, gives you ten speeches to complete for your CTM [Competent Toastmaster Award]. Speech #1, The Ice Breaker, is a four to six minute talk designed to introduce you to your fellow club members, launch you into speaking in front of an audience, and help you gauge what areas you most need development in.
My speech, “The Masochists’ Club” [aren’t all public speakers masochists?], was watertight on paper. Hey, I’m a writer! That part was like falling off a log. After I finished editing it to my satisfaction, it was time to rehearse. I “knew” that I should just ad lib using some points jotted on a card—deftly adding humor and pathos as I went—but I wasn’t capable of such a feat. So I wrote it word by word and then let myself rehearse that speech to death.
The talk I delivered to the club was not the living, breathing thing it was on paper. How could it be, when it was memorized and then regurgitated over and over again for two days? But it was my first speech! I really did it!
Manual Speech #2 is Speaking With Sincerity. My title was “Have We Forgotten How to Play?” and once again I rehearsed my speech obsessively. My evaluator for Speech #2, Junko Kato, noted that I had good eye contact and did not look at my notes very much. Junko saw this as a plus, but I knew the cheater’s truth: I didn’t need my notes because my speech was engraved on my brain.
My third speech, “The Natural Me,” bemoaned the fact that I was not yet acting natural. In my talk I admitted all my embarrassing secrets about writing watertight copy and then memorizing it word for word—but I did make two small moves that helped loosen me up a little. I stepped out from behind the lectern to make a point while using some body language, stiff as it was. And I surprised myself by tossing off a line of ad lib at a crucial point in the speech.
As one member noted, that was where my speech really “took off.”
That was enough to spur me on to my next big risk. Manual Speech #4 is Show What You Mean, and when the speech objectives asked me to “learn the value of gestures and body movements” I decided to take it literally. I designed a speech with a little touch of the outrageous—knowing that even if I made a fool of myself, this was my big chance to break through forty years of self-restraint.
My five to seven minute talk, “Standing on My Soapbox,” involved the use of a plastic footstool from Wal-Mart. I did every antic I could think of with that stool: from putting it over my head[a turtle hiding in its shell] to sitting on it while swerving with an invisible steering wheel [driving away to escape my stage fright] to standing on the stool towering over those upturned faces (intimidating my audience). And I did it all from pointers on a card.
The worm had turned! They loved my speech and I felt liberated. To this day, I haven’t found time to write and rehearse Speech #5 and then drive the 75 minutes to Santa Fe to deliver it to the Oh, Piñon Club. But that’s because I’m busy presenting workshops and running writing circles. I’m still a shy person inside (probably always will be), but getting out there helps me gather more self-assurance as I go.
If you need more confidence for book signings, radio/TV interviews or speeches at writers’ conferences, try Toastmasters. They’re wonderful people who will help you make the transition into public speaking.
Copyright © 2002 Milli Thornton. Reprinted with permission
from SouthWest Sage, newsletter for SouthWest Writers
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Walking the Diversification Talk
by Milli Thornton
IN THE LINGO of motivational speakers, Bobbie Christensen walks her talk.
I first encountered this dynamic role model at her “Publishing and Marketing Your Book on a Shoestring Budget” seminar in Albuquerque, New Mexico in November 2000. I was a shy self-published author with almost zero book sales, cowering at home dispatching elaborate media kits, hoping someone would review my book. A voice inside me whispered that trying to generate book sales with book reviews was not the total solution (more of an avoidance tactic for my shyness), so I went to Bobbie’s seminar hoping for some magic.
Bobbie’s example of presenting informational seminars with your book[s] for sale during the break inspired me so much I don’t know how I stayed in the driver’s seat long enough to drive home. I do remember stopping several times during the two-hour drive to jot down a flood of ideas; my entire being was abuzz with excitement.
Fast forward to the present: November 2001. I’ve developed my own style of presenting workshops and now teach two successful workshop formats helping writers to unleash their imaginations. As a spin-off from the workshops, I lead free weekly writing circles where my regulars write stories based on the writing exercises in my book.
Within a year of Bobbie’s seminar I’ve achieved my preliminary goal of establishing a direct method to get my book into the hands of real, live writers and get them to use my writing exercises. But something else from Bobbie’s seminar stuck in my mind: diversification. 
The fun thing about diversification is that you’re only limited by time and your imagination. Diversification is not only about marketing your book[s], it’s a deeply satisfying form of self-expression. It enriches the experience of being a self-published author in ways that I’m not sure you can experience as a best-selling mainstream author backed by a big publishing house.
The most basic form of diversification is to have more than one book to sell. I’m gathering material from my readers for the sequel to my first book, which will include stories written by the users of my writing prompts. I’m looking forward to the book sales this is guaranteed to create. Who among these writers will not want to buy at least one copy of a book where their own story is published?
It takes time to write and publish a new book. Meanwhile, I’m partnering with a friend to write a self-published booklet based on our experiences in the print-on-demand industry, which will be offered for sale at my workshops and writing circles. At a recent book festival, visitors to my booth bought the book, along with T-shirts, mugs, and mousepads emblazoned with the image from my book cover. Customers also received a flyer inviting advance orders for the booklet.
An even faster publication that helps spread awareness of my book is my e-zine, Fear of Writing Gazette, delivered once a month via email. The e-zine is a platform for other writers interwoven with news of my own events. I’ve found that diversification is at its most powerful when it encourages people to participate with their own input.
My Website, though attractive, was disappointingly quiet for the first year. I now have constant traffic to my site with people subscribing to the e-zine, registering for the writers’ chatroom, or enrolling for the online course based on my book.
The chatroom is a wonderful guest opportunity for other authors, which is an excellent way to generate positive word of mouth about my Website. The chatroom is also a guest platform for myself and my book. The chatroom events schedule features regular prize giveaways—not only my own book but the books of my guests—because a freebie is instant goodwill, which equals word of mouth.
Plans for future diversification include videotaping my workshop to market to schools as a companion to the book.
An annual gathering for my writing circle regulars will enable writers from three different towns to hear one another’s stories, all written from exercises in the book. Even a free event such as the annual gathering is a marketing diversification. You never know who will talk about your book enthusiastically to a potential customer, especially if you’re providing regular injections of something new and interesting.
As an added bonus, learning to walk the talk is curing me of shyness and reaping many new friendships. I no longer care whether the New York Times reviews my book: I’m too busy “living my book” to wait for approval from on high.
Copyright © 2001 Milli Thornton. Reprinted with permission of Bobbie Christensen and American Self-Publisher, the newsletter for
ASPA
Author's Note, Sept. 2005: Although I haven't videotaped the Fear of Writing Clinic yet, I did upscale it by writing, designing and self-publishing a student workbook to replace the photo-copied handouts. Instead of videotaping the clinic, my plan now is turn it into a tele-workshop.
I've also published an e-book based on my self-taught skills, Become a Workshop Presenter, which won first place in the e-book category at the 2004 DIY Festival.
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REARING THE INNER BRAT
a Fertile Material short story by Milli Thornton
Based on the Fertile Material prompt “Rearing the Inner Child.” To write and post stories using this and other Fertile Material prompts, join the Fear of Writing Yahoo! group. It’s free and it’s fun. Closet writers welcome.
~~~~~
My name is Albert Havana Mugsworth, but you can call me Muggsy. All my friends do.
Not that I count you as a friend, mind you. But sometimes a man can’t talk to his regular friends about stuff that happens. You know what I mean.
(Incidentally, don’t give me any lip about my middle name. It goes back for generations in my family and is associated with war horses and other manly stuff, so completely honorable. I have the scars to prove it.)
The Wife (aka Meryl) has cooked up another boring scheme to try to get me to Express My Feelings. She has dragged me away from a perfectly good night of TV sports to some psycho-babble lunacy known as “Embracing the Inner Child.”
We’re sitting on cold, hard chairs, with no comforting beverage or snacks of any kind, in Lecture Hall #202 at Tate University. This is a place I never wanted to return to (bad memories of flunking five subjects with professors who remind me of this prune-faced guy on the podium), but here I am, sticking out like a sore thumb among all these analyst types and neurotic housewives. Gimme a break. The only psycho help I need is “How Not to Cave in to The Wife.”
I spent the entire lecture slumped in my chair, daydreaming about the play-offs. To blot out the sound of the lecturer’s droning voice, I even heard the roar of the crowd and the excited, frantic voices of the commentators. Yeah, it was all pretty real inside my head. The Wife kept elbowing me to “sit up and stop being so rude,” but I managed to block that out too.
Finally, what seemed like hours later, it was time to go. Relief! But, wouldn’t you know, The Wife wouldn’t let us leave until we’d been up to the front of the room to shake hands with Quentin J. Chintuck, the talking head from the podium. When she elbowed me and hissed, “Shake hands like a gentleman,” I looked at the geeky dotted bowtie on this Chintuck character and, suddenly, out popped this famous statement from the playground at Lewis & Clark Elementary back in the third grade:
“You look like Mickey Mouse in that stoopid bow-tie!”
When I said that to Lane Leer in the playground, everyone roared with laughter and thought I was the funniest guy in the school. But, this time, there was dead silence—except for lots of angry whispering from Mom, who was elbowing me extra-hard now like she wanted to kill me.
Mom got even angrier when I yanked one side of the bow and made it unravel. I could hear the cheers of approval from the playground and could even see the teacher walking our way with big, angry strides.
Quentin J. Chintuck gave me a knowing look that made me want to puke. One of those super-dooper annoying adult looks when they believe they’re the expert on your behavior and they think they’re about to outwit you with their superior logic.
Chintuck turned to Mom and said, “This is a classic sign of subconscious material being loosened. The Inner Child has arrived. Just go with it, Meryl. After all, this is what you said you wanted.”
Mom grabbed my arm in one of her vise grips and marched me out of there. I was glad to leave that boring place. But I couldn’t stop thinking about Lane Leer! I didn’t just hate Lane Leer for his fuddy-duddy bow-ties. I hated him because he owned all the Matchbox cars, trucks, and space vehicles ever invented—even the Russian Sputnik, the water truck that sprays real water, and the hearse with the dead body you could see through the little window.
“Mom,” I yelled, as we were getting in the car. “Take me to the store! I need to get something.”
Mom was so grumpy you could see the fumes pouring out of her ears, but for some strange reason, she drove me to Wal-Mart anyway and followed me to the toy department. She even paid $76 for a shopping cart full of Matchbox cars and trucks.
In the line at the checkout, when someone else’s mom waved at her and said, “Shopping for future grandkids, are we, Meryl?” I thought Mom was gonna have a cow.
“This better be worth it,” she said, with her teeth gritted.
(She always tells me I’ll ruin my teeth whenever *I* do that. Typical.)
Of course, our hokey little Wal-Mart didn’t have the coolest stuff—no Sputnik, no hearse—but I was able to replace nearly my whole collection. I started tearing them out of the packets on the way home.
As soon as we hit the driveway, I took an armload of Matchbox cars out to the back yard. We don’t have a sandbox here at Mom’s house, but—bonus!—we do have a huge pile of fresh dirt. I dove on top and starting building roads with my new yellow grader.
Mom ran into the backyard screaming, “Albert, you know that dirt is for my new antique rose bed. ALBERT! You know that dirt has manure in it! You’re full of cuts from pruning the yellow roses. You’ll get staphylococcus . . . or whatever it is you get from manure.”
I could see her silhouetted in the spotlight she insisted on having installed “so peeping Toms won’t be looking in our back windows.” She was really, really, REALLY mad, standing with her hands on her hips. I was surprised when suddenly her arms sagged and she turned around and walked inside.
Hey, cool! Now maybe I can stay out all night. The spotlight shines back here good enough to let me see my road construction. I’ve got enough roads now and I’m ready to start playing.
I wish Robby, Stevie, Mike and the other guys were here. We used to play Matchbox cars every spare moment of the day. Those were the good ol’ days.
I kinda got lost in what I was doing, so I was a bit startled when the screen door slammed. Next thing you know, Mom shows up to play in the dirt pile with me! She was wearing her green rubber gloves and had plastic bags tied over her shoes, and she wouldn’t sit right ON the dirt, only next to it. She picked up a little sports car and held it with two fingers like it would bite. She rolled it over the only road she could reach from where she was kneeling on an old towel spread out on the grass. She even made some putt-putt noises.
Girls! They never know how to make the right car noises. They can’t do gun noises either.
“The things we do for love!” Mom muttered, still rolling her little red car. Her face was in the shadows, but I could tell she was gritting her teeth real hard.
She would only let me stay out until ten o’clock, but all that playing and dirt and fresh air made me fall asleep faster than she could say “You can’t get into the clean sheets with all that nasty manure clinging to you!”
During the night I dreamed of pets I’ve had: Duchess, my dad’s hunting dog and her eight puppies; Becca, the German Shepherd we got after Dad gave up hunting; Terry the Snapping Tortoise (that crazy tortoise sure loved Limberger cheese—PEE-UW!!); and Zero, the wackiest black cat you’ve ever known. I’ve always had a pet of some kind—even if it was just some guppies or a hamster.
But now I don’t have any pets. Have you ever heard of a kid without a pet? “That’s criminal!” as Mom always says. Yeah, criminal. I’m gonna make Mom take me to the pet store today.
When I woke up this morning, I remembered something else really important. I used to dream of living in a tree house. Dad would never let me build one—and besides, we didn’t have any decent trees in our yard back in Great Falls, Montana—but the yard where I live now with Mom has the perfect tree. It even has a giant limb that could support the floor.
That “perfect tree” is even all the way in the very back of the yard, so grown-ups will be less likely to bug me. Yowsers, we even have a bunch of scrap lumber back there behind Mom’s rose beds. I can’t wait to get started!
Mom is gonna have a conniption fit when I tell her I quit my job so I can build a tree house to live in.
But, hey, what kid my age should have a job, anyway?
~~~~
Milli Thornton Copyright © 2006
Based on the Fertile Material prompt “Rearing the Inner Child.” To write and post stories using this and other Fertile Material prompts, join the Fear of Writing Yahoo! group. It’s free and it’s fun. Closet writers welcome.
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